MY FACE IS SHRINKING!!! But I can Spell Prosciutto.
There comes a time after you been dieting that people start to notice you’ve lost weight. Yesterday a friend of mine said to me, “Tony, I can tell you’ve lost weight. It really shows… in your face.”
I’VE LOST OVER 50 POUNDS!!!
HOW BIG WAS MY HEAD BEFORE???
WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE NOW???
What about my ass? Have you noticed my ass? I’m pretty sure my ass is smaller. It’s not that I’m gay or anything but for the love of God look at my ass. That’s a shrunken ass if I’ve ever seen one!
I feel like going out and buying a really big hat right now, maybe a sombrero, something to accentuate my tiny little face.
Then I’m going to put an Oakland Raiders Jersey and a pair of my old pants and walk around Wal-Mart in them. I’ll look like a middle aged white gangbanger. You know why?
BECAUSE MY ASS IS FIVE PANT SIZES SMALLER NOW THAT’S WHY!!!
Apparently that’s not the only thing that’s shrinking.
NO NO NO!!! I know what you’re thinking and you are waaaaayyyy off.
That’s the bonus of losing that much weight.
My penis looks huge.
I remember what my doctor asked me when I started out on this new diet. “Tony, How much weight do you want to lose? What’s the weight you’re shooting for? What’s your goal?
“Well Doc, I’d like smaller breasts than my wife and I’d like to see “El Guapo” again when I pee.”
Mission Accomplished!!! I wish I had a flight suit to walk around in right now, one that would show off my manly bulges and my tiny little ass.
What I meant when I said something else was shrinking…well…it’s me. I’m shrinking.
I’ve been 5-11 since the eighth grade. I had a physical Wednesday for a new life insurance policy. They said I’m now 5’9½” tall.
Maybe I lost an inch and a half of fat off the top of my head.
I’m starting to shrink?
A tiny face and now I’m shrinking?
Maybe that’s why no one has noticed my ass. I’m shrinking so much it hides the ass loss.
There’s no God.
This is what happens when you’re a white male on the road to fifty. Your life is one long embarrassing moment.
Some of you dispute me?
The other day I pulled a calf muscle. I wasn’t doing anything. It just pulled. That happens a lot as get older, you can be brushing your teeth and pull a calf muscle. I think it’s some kind of law or something.
Anyway I applied this wondrous ointment called Icy Hot. I then went to the bathroom to wash my hands.
Somewhere between the living room and the bathroom I forgot I had to wash my hands and remembered I had to pee….
All I can say is you don’t want to be caught by your wife with “El Guapo” in the sink while you’re throwing cold water on him. There is absolutely no way to look cool doing this and it is extremely difficult to explain.
What has happened to me? When did I lose my coolness factor?
I’ve even started talking to my imaginary friend again. Actually he’s not really a friend; he’s more of a drinking buddy. He pops up around the fifth shot of Patron.
He’s really the only person that listens to me anymore although even he feels the need to give me advice.
“You know Tone, I hate to say this but you’re a 5’9½” 47 year old white Italian male. I don’t think that dream about playing in the NFL is going to come true. Have you given any thought to bowling?”
When did I become such a dork?
I feel like I’m ready for the National Spelling Bee.
I have to switch gears for a second.
The National “Spelling” Bee was broadcast on ESPN.
If they are going to broadcast the National Spelling Bee on an all sports channel like ESPN then I think fat kids with A.D.D. should be allowed to tackle these kids while they are trying to spell.
Now that’s entertainment.
Stick these kids on the Discovery Channel where they belong. It’s not like these kids are ever going to play sports.
Don’t get me wrong I give this kid credit. Look at the list of words this kid had to spell to win this thing.
I just have one question. Other than ordering Prosciutto at an Italian Deli, which I doubt, “Anurag Kashyap”, will ever do, when in the hell would anyone use these words?
Sure I may use a Sphygmomanometer to measure the size of my face….