Friday, June 03, 2005

MY FACE IS SHRINKING!!! But I can Spell Prosciutto.

There comes a time after you been dieting that people start to notice you’ve lost weight. Yesterday a friend of mine said to me, “Tony, I can tell you’ve lost weight. It really shows… in your face.”

My face?

MY FACE???

I’VE LOST OVER 50 POUNDS!!!

HOW BIG WAS MY HEAD BEFORE???

WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE NOW???

BEETLEJUICE???

What about my ass? Have you noticed my ass? I’m pretty sure my ass is smaller. It’s not that I’m gay or anything but for the love of God look at my ass. That’s a shrunken ass if I’ve ever seen one!

My face….

I feel like going out and buying a really big hat right now, maybe a sombrero, something to accentuate my tiny little face.

My face…

Then I’m going to put an Oakland Raiders Jersey and a pair of my old pants and walk around Wal-Mart in them. I’ll look like a middle aged white gangbanger. You know why?

BECAUSE MY ASS IS FIVE PANT SIZES SMALLER NOW THAT’S WHY!!!

My face…

Apparently that’s not the only thing that’s shrinking.

NO NO NO!!! I know what you’re thinking and you are waaaaayyyy off.

That’s the bonus of losing that much weight.

My penis looks huge.

I remember what my doctor asked me when I started out on this new diet. “Tony, How much weight do you want to lose? What’s the weight you’re shooting for? What’s your goal?

“Well Doc, I’d like smaller breasts than my wife and I’d like to see “El Guapo” again when I pee.”

Mission Accomplished!!! I wish I had a flight suit to walk around in right now, one that would show off my manly bulges and my tiny little ass.

What I meant when I said something else was shrinking…well…it’s me. I’m shrinking.

I’ve been 5-11 since the eighth grade. I had a physical Wednesday for a new life insurance policy. They said I’m now 5’9½” tall.

Maybe I lost an inch and a half of fat off the top of my head.

I’m starting to shrink?

A tiny face and now I’m shrinking?

Maybe that’s why no one has noticed my ass. I’m shrinking so much it hides the ass loss.

There’s no God.

This is what happens when you’re a white male on the road to fifty. Your life is one long embarrassing moment.

Some of you dispute me?

The other day I pulled a calf muscle. I wasn’t doing anything. It just pulled. That happens a lot as get older, you can be brushing your teeth and pull a calf muscle. I think it’s some kind of law or something.

Anyway I applied this wondrous ointment called Icy Hot. I then went to the bathroom to wash my hands.

Somewhere between the living room and the bathroom I forgot I had to wash my hands and remembered I had to pee….

All I can say is you don’t want to be caught by your wife with “El Guapo” in the sink while you’re throwing cold water on him. There is absolutely no way to look cool doing this and it is extremely difficult to explain.

What has happened to me? When did I lose my coolness factor?

I’ve even started talking to my imaginary friend again. Actually he’s not really a friend; he’s more of a drinking buddy. He pops up around the fifth shot of Patron.

He’s really the only person that listens to me anymore although even he feels the need to give me advice.

“You know Tone, I hate to say this but you’re a 5’9½” 47 year old white Italian male. I don’t think that dream about playing in the NFL is going to come true. Have you given any thought to bowling?”

When did I become such a dork?

I feel like I’m ready for the National Spelling Bee.

I have to switch gears for a second.

The National “Spelling” Bee was broadcast on ESPN.

ESPN???

If they are going to broadcast the National Spelling Bee on an all sports channel like ESPN then I think fat kids with A.D.D. should be allowed to tackle these kids while they are trying to spell.

Now that’s entertainment.

Stick these kids on the Discovery Channel where they belong. It’s not like these kids are ever going to play sports.

Don’t get me wrong I give this kid credit. Look at the list of words this kid had to spell to win this thing.

Cabochon
Priscilla
Oligopsony
Sphygmomanometer
Prosciutto
Rideau
Pompier
Terete
Tristachyous
Schefflera
Ornithorhynchous
Agio
Agnolotti
Peccavi
Ceraunograph
Exsiccosis
Hodiernal
Appoggiatura

I just have one question. Other than ordering Prosciutto at an Italian Deli, which I doubt, “Anurag Kashyap”, will ever do, when in the hell would anyone use these words?

Sure I may use a Sphygmomanometer to measure the size of my face….

38 Comments:

At 10:21 PM, Blogger Disembodied Head said...

The Disembodied Head has had to use the word appoggiatura on many an occasion as he used to teach music in a university... and, of course, he also likes prosciutto.

Musings from the Disembodied Head...

 
At 12:21 AM, Blogger RagDoll said...

LOL! Fantastic post. Indeed, questions that would be going through my head.

 
At 6:19 AM, Anonymous Womanspirit said...

Your penis looks huge???? I don't think I believe you. Send pictures!

 
At 10:07 AM, Blogger Liam said...

Wow! This is wonderful. I also write a humor blog, and I'm generally most disappointed at what passes for humor on other blogs.

But this one, I had to read it aloud to my wife, and we both laughed out loud several times.

Good stuff!

Liam

 
At 10:36 AM, Anonymous Girl Pants said...

Just wanted to stop in and say hi and to wish you a great weekend.. Good luck with the Battles..

-hugs-

 
At 10:44 AM, Blogger Sparkling said...

Well, I can't read your blog out loud because there are kids in the room. But I DID laugh!

-Sparkling
http://www.tinyzoo.com

 
At 11:42 AM, Blogger Julie said...

you crack me up! Just one question--why on earth would you be measuring your head with a blood pressure cuff?? Has it shrunk that much?

 
At 3:01 PM, Blogger GNN Staff Writer said...

Thanks for da visit, Paisano. I'm gonna link to your site today.

 
At 5:16 PM, Anonymous Sassy said...

I just wanted to say thanks for the exhilarating comment you left on my site. You have a HILARIOUS blog! I'll be definitley be back. = )

 
At 7:24 PM, Blogger marjo moore said...

you remind me of my other favorite comedian. http://andymartello.blogspot.com

 
At 7:53 PM, Blogger PresentStorm said...

OMG ...you are hilarious ...lol
the fat kids with A.D.D tackling while they spell still gives me a very funny visual ....I am still laughing at this post ....Thanks for the laugh !!! :)

 
At 8:20 PM, Blogger "Weiner" said...

Giggled A LOT-- Cool site!

 
At 10:47 PM, Blogger Candi and Shaun said...

Am I stalking you? hahaha

 
At 6:50 AM, Blogger Alice: In Wonderland or Not said...

Funny to think someone my parents age actually wrote this but yea you.

 
At 7:17 PM, Anonymous Lou said...

This was so funny I literally laughed outloud!

 
At 10:41 PM, Anonymous Layne said...

To offer a peccavi of my own, I'm STILL laughing to tears at the idea of your poor wife walking in to see her hero wading in the sink with 'El Guapo."

 
At 5:22 AM, Blogger Nonsensical_Flounderings said...

Hilarious found your site through a comment on Curbed Enthusiasm. Will add you to our Blogroll.

M

 
At 8:40 AM, Blogger NateDrew said...

Great Stuff!!! Find your site through Nickie Goomba.

 
At 9:03 AM, Blogger NateDrew said...

Thanks for checking out my Blog Tony, glad you enjoy it, also glad you are fellow hater of slow me down old people on the road, and your right they should be dragged out of their cars and flogged as you put it.

 
At 3:15 PM, Blogger zandperl said...

You're hilarious! Keep up the great humor and congratulations on the ... adjustments ...

 
At 4:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hilarious. I'm a few years older than you and can relate to what you said about the Disco clothes and Rap music (an oxymoron if I ever heard one. You have a delightful sense of humor.

 
At 6:16 PM, Blogger dorna! said...

Oh I'm so sorry, I didn't get past:

"All I can say is you don’t want to be caught by your wife with “El Guapo” in the sink while you’re throwing cold water on him."

ROFL

 
At 6:40 PM, Blogger Pigs said...

Hee hee...you crack me up.

 
At 8:12 PM, Blogger Rowan said...

Thanks for leaving the comment on my blog with that funny Irish drinking joke. I loved it. I come across a blog of yours (not this one) all the time on BlogExplosion and I always stop and read your latest. You're hilarious! (And don't think I don't just cuz I don't have it blogmarked - I never read the ones I have blogmarked, but I read yours all the time.)

 
At 10:52 PM, Blogger Jaws said...

Great stuff Tony..LOL I am not very surprized ya did not win. You deserved the win. Funny funny stuff.

Gratz on be married 27 years thats awesome in todays world!

 
At 11:45 PM, Blogger Rowan said...

ok, maybe it is this blog I read all the time...I thought it looked different before...did you redesign it or something? (See, I do read it all the time)

 
At 8:29 AM, Blogger Skarr said...

Life begins at 50....

I think your best years are ahead, not behind you.

I'm over 40 and would like to think I'm growing younger, but I'm not.

Great blog...

 
At 11:59 AM, Blogger Anna said...

LOL!! I know how you feel.. I lost 25lbs and the first comment I got, was your face is thin!!! ughh!!!!

 
At 12:48 PM, Anonymous Jane said...

There is nothing more hilarious than catching your man giving his Willy Wonka a good ol' rinse a roo. ICY HOT... that is priceless!!!

 
At 8:53 PM, Blogger Beth said...

i voted for you

 
At 9:05 AM, Blogger GNN Staff Writer said...

Please forgive me if this posting seems inappropriate. I need a favor from Conservative political blogs. If you have a moment, please read this posting on my blog, and then let me know when I can return the favor. Thanks.

http://nickiegoomba.blogspot.com/2005/06/nickie-goomba-is-asking-favor.html

 
At 6:07 AM, Blogger warcrygirl said...

You're so funny, and from my hometown! I found you via Blog Explosion and I'll be back.

 
At 7:00 AM, Blogger It's Me, Maven... said...

Trying to decide which is worse: El Guapo in the sink, or El Guapo in a glass of milk (I would have done this to cool it off).

Be lucky your dick didn't shrink. WHen I lose weight, the first place the weight drops is off my tits.

 
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Excellent! I will be sure to bookmark this blog. Feel free to visit my humor twisted website at humor twisted

 
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At 3:35 PM, Blogger All U Need 2 No said...

Love the blog, but your commenting auidence members are a bunch of flakes. I actually thought some of them were joking with some of the comments. Some were, some not. By the way, just don't send the penis picture. There is no telling who the joke would be on!

A fellow flake!

 
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