If You Can't Run...........
I’m in trouble.
I don’t know how my wife has managed to put up with me for 27 years.
I’m sure as hell not going to ask,
because the answer is going to take a really long time,
and I’ll be expected,
to remember it.
I think she likes living with an idiot, and I try to help her out as often as I can.
Apparently it’s not okay to teach your two and a half-year-old grandson to sound Italian. Oh the “How U Doin?” coming out of that little guy was very cute. But when she told him to pick up his toys and he said, “Fugetaboutit”, I knew I was dead.
I wanted to run.
But I don't do that.
I didn't have the right shoes.
So I did the one thing that any married man with experience did. I dropped into my “zone” defense.
Let me explain.
The “zone” is a place a man goes in his brain that is impervious to everything a woman says to him while giving him the ability to look like he’s listening. The stare, the nodding in acknowledgement, the affirmative grunting is all on automatic pilot and used at precisely the correct moment.
The goal is to give the appearance of listening, communicating and being sensitive without looking confused.
Make no mistake, the “zone” will NOT get you out of trouble but it will keep you from opening your mouth and getting yourself in deeper...Usually.
The “zone” is based on the following six principles.
Number one, never ask a question.
What you do is give them the answers.
For example, do not say, “Do “we” have to “do” something Saturday night?
Instead you say, “So “I” guess “you’re” going to your moms on Saturday.”
This throws them off. You are telling her that she’s going without you but phrasing it so she thinks it’s her choice.
It has a 7% success rate if done quickly. You have to be quick. In an instant she will have processed this. Her mind is already saying, “You’re not getting out of this you fat bastard.”
Into the zone….
When challenged by a woman immediately agree with her, compliment her on her appearance, and then retreat to the zone. The worse thing that will happen at this point is that you will be accused of not communicating when in fact, that’s the point.
For example, “Yes Dear, you’re right, I’m an idiot. You have nice hair.”
Now nod a lot.
Number three and this is a long one.
Once a month ask her the following. “Hey babe how was your day?”
I know, I know, you’re worried that this will open the flood gates for a conversation about things you can't possibly understand, and yes, yes it will.
That’s why you have to be in the “zone” BEFORE you ask the question. This takes lots of practice. Trying to speak in intelligible sentences is very difficult while in the “zone”. Start out simple with phrases like, “Uh huh”, then work your way up one word at a time, until you get to six words. NOTE: NEVER GO OVER SIX WORDS!!!!
A question over six words may require reciprocal conversation. Remember, the key is to stay in the “zone”. The whole point is to appear like you’re listening and are actually part of the conversation without talking.
If you talk too much inevitably you will say something stupid that will piss her off.
That’s what we call a “given.”
If a woman is telling you about her day and how so and so did this, and so and so did that, she is “NOT LOOKING FOR YOUR ADVICE OR OPINION.” So keep your trap shut and just keep nodding.
Some people have asked me, “Tony how can you not respond when a woman is saying something that is so obviously wrong that it needs comment?”
He has just made my point. He was not in the “zone”. If you’re in the “zone” you don’t know what she said because you’re not listening. If he heard it, he isn’t in the “zone”.
Always assume that there is something that you have to do on the weekends. It doesn’t matter if she told you about it three weeks ago while you were watching Cambodian midget porn.
(Trust me; the only time they will tell us that we have to do something is when we’re already focused on doing something else important, like watching TV or eating Cheetohs.)
Never teach your grandson fun stuff when grandma, his mom or any other women is around. If you do then make sure you remove all of the coasters from your house. They fit perfectly into a woman’s hand and can be thrown as an effective and painful tool for getting your attention.
That brings us to Number six.
Any woman you have been married to for more than one week already knows about the previous five principles and just lets you think you have the protection of the “zone” when in fact, she is in complete control.
Wives have proven their control over husbands for generations by hiding stuff from us. Usually our keys or wallet in some place we would never think to look, like the shelf that we put up specifically to hold our keys and our wallet.
A big part of that is that as married men we don’t really mind getting yelled at as long as we get the remote, an occasional five minutes of silence and someone to care for us when we think we’re dying from a common cold.
So I guess when you sum it all up, I live my married life on just one principle.
I’m always wrong.
And you know what? I’m okay with that. It gives me a deep sense of peace and serenity. There’s no stress. It’s a Zen like feeling of acceptance.
I am one with my couch.