Tuesday, May 17, 2005

The Santa Fe Trail

I spent the last four days in Sante Fe, New Mexico.

We flew into Albuquerque. This is a city that’s virtually impossible to spell.

The Albuqerqueans are a proud people who like to boast, “Come to Albuquerque, we have a tree.”

We then drove the one hour scenic drive to Santa Fe. It was beautiful. We saw four Indian casinos.

These Casinos are situated on what is known as Pueblos. Think Wal-Mart with gambling.

New Mexico is known as “The Land of Enchantment”, actually it’s pretty much just rust or brown.

The state motto of New Mexico is “Crescit eundo”, which means, “It grows as it goes.” Which proves that people were smoking something funny way before the hippies moved there.

I’m not making that up.

The state motto should be, “We like earth tones.”

It can’t take much to be an architect in New Mexico. Every building is a rust or brown colored box. These boxes sell for around one million dollars.

I’m not making that up either.

When we arrived in Santa Fe I realized that I had a very important question.

WHERE IS THE OXYGEN????

For the love of god there’s no air there.

Santa Fe is about 723,000 feet above sea level.

Okay, it’s only 7,000 feet above sea level, bottom line, we’re talking HIGH!!!

You bring people to a resort that starts out its travel brochure with a warning about the altitude and then the next paragraph talks about all the activities you can do there like HIKING!!!

No wonder there are no fat people there. There’s not enough air to share with fat people.

I’m watching skinny people JOGGING!!! THEY WERE SUCKING UP MY AIR!!! I’M PAYING $339 DOLLARS A NIGHT!!! IT SHOULD INCLUDE OXYGEN!!!

Everything at the resort involves physical activity. Unless you want to have burning hot rocks put on your back while someone chants in Hindu to you about your chakra, or dosha, or vato or Kookla, Fran and Ollie or whatever. This they call a massage.

And no matter what you sign up for at the “spa” you end up naked.

I JUST WANTED A FACIAL!!!

The name of the spa was the “Sha Na” spa. Sha Na is a Navajo word that means, “shower from which water trickles slowly.”

Why does every hotel have showers that just trickle water from them? I’m at a five star resort hotel and I have to do a rain dance every morning to get enough water to take a shower.

The kicker was the maid service. She would bang on the door at 7:30am, “Housekeeping, housekeeping!” 7:30 IN THE FREAKING MORNING!!!!

The skinny people had already jogged, had a hot rock treatment, made pottery, gone horseback riding, hiked five miles, shot skeet and ate breakfast by 5:30am. Which proves that their brains have been oxygen starved.

I should have signed up for the 6:00am pottery class; I could have made a club.

I tried exercising. I walked from my bed to the bathroom and got a nosebleed.

I wish I was making that up.

We saw an “authentic” Native American dance group. I can only describe it like this. Have your best friend dress up like a turkey and jump up and down. While he is doing this bang on a drum while chanting “HIYA, hiya, HIYA, hiya, HIYA, hiya” over and over again. While you are banging the drum and chanting, have another friend kick you in the nuts. For you ladies, try giving birth at this time.

I think that’s a fairly accurate description.

No wonder we took their land.

Santa Fe is a town of artists and art galleries.
Which basically means there are no Republicans there.

There is a square in the middle of Santa Fe surrounded by dozens of shops. Everything in these shops is 40% off yet has no price tag. There are no cash registers there. Maybe these proud ancient sales people are still using beads to do the math.

It’s interesting to note that the “tax” on a $40 shawl at one store is not the same as the “tax” on a $40 shawl at another store. Which goes to show that New Mexico is pretty much like Old Mexico.

To we men turquoise and silver jewelry pretty much looks the same EVERYWHERE!!!!

To a woman it’s 40% off. IT’S ON SALE!!!

I said a prayer, “God grant my Visa Card the serenity to accept the things It wouldn’t normally charge; the limit to charge the things It can; and the wisdom to know the difference BETWEEN ONE FREAKING PIECE OF SILVER TURQUOISE JEWELRY THAT’S THE SAME IN EVERY FREAKING STORE!!!!”

Amen.

Santa Fe dining is very relaxing and laid back. They are so laid back that when someone in our party checked his coat, they gave to it someone else.

I’m not making that up either.

The waiters and waitresses begin every greeting with, “Red or green?”

This is in reference to how spicy hot you want your food. All food. Even dessert.

That way when people ask you how the food was you can tell them it was great. But in reality you have just had your taste buds burned out of your mouth and you want someone else to share your pain.

(Side note: I just opened a bottle of Diet Snapple Raspberry Ice Tea and on the lid it says, “Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards.” This is an interesting fact and proves that you learn something new everyday. However, it doesn’t prove that we care.)

In the evening we went to a restaurant called, El Farol. El Farol once had the notoriety of being one of the rowdiest bars this side of the Pecos River. Rumor has it that thirsty cowhands used to ride their horses right into the bar!

It’s no rumor. They’re still there, and they think they can dance. No not the horses, just 70-year-old white men with ponytails looking like they were having seizures on the dance floor.

It was probably a lack of oxygen thing but I think the drunken liberals in the bar thought it was performance art.

Anyway, we drove back to Albuquerque and it looked the same. We never did see their tree.

Airport security in New Mexico is very tight. I think it’s because these people are so used to having Uncle Sam steal things from them.

One quick note, every state motto with the exception of New Hampshire’s is just plain stupid. New Hampshire’s motto is, “Live free or die”, now that’s a motto.

California’s motto is “Eureka!” That’s our motto… “Eureka!” One word… That’s all we could come up with here? One Word?

How about “Sealius un Borderum” or “Electricus Interuptus”? SOMETHING!!!!

EUREKA!!!

I’m done.

19 Comments:

At 12:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tony,
You are soooo culturally sensitive. It is hard to believe you are a Republican.

 
At 2:17 PM, Blogger Tony Calabrese said...

I take pride in being an equal opportunity offender.

 
At 10:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't care who you offend as long as its funny!

 
At 11:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Some people are so mired in political correctness they have lost their sense of humor.

Keep it up Tony you're brilliant and hilarious.

 
At 12:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well there's one state that you can't go back to, you might get scalped!!!

This is very funny stuff.

 
At 10:58 PM, Anonymous Dick Nixon said...

Funny Stuff. You should run for office.

 
At 7:44 AM, Anonymous MJ said...

You may be have one of the funniest minds out there today.
This is the best blog on the net.

 
At 5:55 PM, Anonymous Tea Time said...

As a "liberal" woman I find your comments insulting and insensitive.

NAWWWW!!!!! @%#@#^% em!

This is damn funny.

 
At 8:52 AM, Anonymous Sparkling said...

I was born in New Mexico, and I love the state. I haven't been able to afford to go back since 1986, but I miss it very much. I laughed all the way through this post. Thank you!! It's good to laugh.
-Sparkling
http://www.tinyzoo.com

 
At 11:50 AM, Blogger Der Tommissar said...

Santa Fe is a town of artists and art galleries. Which basically means there are no Republicans there.

Sorry, I had the week off. Usually the Chamber of Commerce has me come out and do a little dance for the tourists at 2pm.

"Come, see our dancing Republican. He understands words! He can answer basic math by tapping with his foot!"

Too bad you missed it.

 
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