Results Not Typical, Individual Results May Cause Tumors

I need to catch up on a few things in the news this past week.

So Jennifer Wilbanks runs away from her wedding and pretends she was abducted by Hispanics the Minutemen didn’t catch, and people want to know why.

It was Duluth, Georgia, did anyone check to see if she and the guy she was marrying were related?

It’s just a question.

The Marine Corps is recalling more than 5,000 combat vests issued to troops in Iraq, Afghanistan and Djibouti.

It seems they don’t stop bullets.

A company spokesman for Point Blank Body Armor of Pompano Beach, Fla., which makes the vests, told NBC News, “We stand “by” our product.”

I think individual marines would feel more comfortable if they would stand “behind” their product.

As a way to combat terrorism the Department of Homeland Security is recommending that Congress consider legislation that would require people to present four different forms of identification when they apply for a driver’s license.

Well we wouldn’t want terrorist to get a fake drivers license. If they did that they probably wouldn’t buy auto insurance.

That’s the problem we have here in California.

We need to give “legal” drivers licenses to “illegal” aliens so that they will buy auto insurance.

Boy I hope that Geico Gecko is bilingual because I understand there are thousands of illegal aliens just waiting to save money on auto insurance.

Apparently congressmen have never been to the DMV.

DMV is Latin for “where government employees go to die.”

Have you ever noticed that people in line at the DMV look like they are being punished?

And you’re standing in line looking at the people standing in line and you realize that you are standing in line and you wonder what you look like.

“Do I look guilty? Do I smell?”

I think waiting in line at the DMV should be the penalty for doing drugs.

Smoke a joint go to the DMV.

That’s a lot more convincing than, “Say no to drugs.”

I watched the ABC Primetime expose on "American Idol”, did you know that former contestant Corey Clark, said Paula Abdul who was 18 years his senior, gave him money, bought him clothes, and had sex with him?

So he’s basically my idol now.

Here’s a great story, a woman from Boulder City won her second $1 million jackpot in a span of less than a year playing the penny slots.

I think we should elect her to our city council.

Her job is to do nothing but play the penny slots and half her winnings go to the city pension fund.

I saw the following disclaimer after an ad on MSN.com for weight loss.

“Results Not Typical.”

Whenever I see an ad that ends with that phrase I have to pause for a moment.

You see this phrase on ads for everything.

“Jane used to weigh 343 pounds and lived her life wedged into a chair in her 400 square foot studio. Jane used our Megocitroburnoplex complex while eating nothing but meat and cheese and she’s now a supermodel on the cover of Vogue.”

“Results not typical.”

Ragmeesh was $500k in debt and had just lost his house and his job at SBC Customer Service before he bought our no money down real estate investment program. “I was able to buy six houses and a 7-11 worth over $4 million dollars and all I used for a down payment was a bike.”

“Results not typical.”

I WANT TO KNOW THE TYPICAL RESULTS!!!!

“I bought the Carleton Sheets “No Down Payment Real Estate System” because I live in a trailer in Santee and I’m too stupid to go on living. I have no job, no education and spent my last unemployment check on crack. I’m now out four easy payments of $59.95 plus $69.95 shipping and handling because I don’t know how to read.”

“Results Typical”

“I’ve been taking Megocitroburnoplex for eight weeks, I smell funny, my heart has exploded, I now have a third testicle…and I’m a woman.”

“Results Typical.”

Some of these ads throw in the following line, “Individual results may vary.”

What does that mean? If we buy them as a group our results are the same?

Why can’t we use this disclaimer for everything?

“Yes dear, I vacuumed the house, washed the dishes, cooked dinner, gave the kids a bath and paid the bills. Now I’m ready to sit down and just talk without any thoughts about food, sex, the remote or sports.”

“Results not typical. Individual husband results may vary.”

I invaded a country to search for weapons of mass destruction that didn’t exist and then didn’t have the common sense to plant them there.

“Results not typical. Individual president results may vary.”

“Our 14 year old son Timmy used the Billy Ray Bob Reading Dynamics Course for six weeks and now he’s up to a second grade reading level.”

“Results not typical. Individual moron results may vary.”

I actually saw this disclaimer following an ad on “TELEVSION” for a penis enlargement pill called “Enzyte.”

What kind of an idiot would buy this pill? Especially with a disclaimer that read, “Results not typical.”

If you take a pill that causes your penis to grow it’s because there’s a tumor on the end of it!!! Are people really this stupid?

Are there 400-pound men who are rapidly slimming down with huge expanding penises buying real estate for no money down walking around San Diego?

WELL? These are the things that I think we all need to know.

The sad part is if they weren’t selling this garbage they wouldn’t be advertising it.

I’m pretty sure a couple of members of our city council here in San Diego have overdosed on Enzyte.

Let’s face it they’re all big………..