Sunday, May 29, 2005

My Chest Has a Bald Spot

Before we get started I now have a Web Store with some, shall we say, unique items. If you are Italian or have ever known and Italian check out this link http://www.cafepress.com/wopwear

Okay here we go.

Researchers at the University of Minnesota now believe that Viagra may cause blindness. Which is good news for ugly women.

I had to get that one out of my system.

I have a problem and I hope I’m not alone. I like to sing along with songs on the radio but I rarely understand the lyrics. So I sing what I “think” the lyrics are.

For years I thought, “Panama” by Van Halen was “Let it Rock”. Even though I know what the lyrics are now, I still sing it wrong. I think it sounds better my way.

Here are the actual lyrics:

Jump back, what's that sound?
Here she comes, full blast and top down.
Hot shoe, burnin' down the avenue.
Model citizen zero discipline
Don't you know she's coming home with me?
You’ll lose her in the turn.
I'll get her!
Panama, Panamaha
Panama, Panamaha

What the hell does Panama mean?
I think it makes more sense to sing, “Let it Rock, let it roh hole”.

I’m still going to sing it my way.

Admit it. You’ve all sung the wrong song lyrics before. It’s impossible to understand half the words these people sing. Most rock bands sound like Don Corleone is singing.

The worst song of all time to try to understand is “Blinded by the Light” by Manfred Mann's Earth Band. I defy anyone to figure this song out. I think they did this on purpose so people would go “Huh? What was the name of the band that sang this?”

My version is:

“Blinded by the light wrapped up like douche another roamer in the light.”

Whatever.

The other night we watched the finale of The Contender.
They had a guy come out into the ring and do a “Rap” song.

Rap? I think they spelled it wrong. I think they dropped the “C” off the front of it.

Umm…. Has anyone noticed these guys are just TALKING to what they call music!!!!

Have you listened to this garbage? Of course you have. We all have. We have no choice.

Is there a reason why I have to listen to this coming out of a Cadillac Escalade 16 BLOCKS FROM MY HOUSE???

Hey numb nuts your entire back seat is a SPEAKER!!!

There’s no room in the car. One asshole is driving the Escalade while his friends are following him in 1984 Ford Taurus with chrome rims and a vintage Dodge Caravan painted metallic bronze with a spoiler and tires that looks like they came off of a shopping cart at COSTCO.

Hey why not trick out a Pacer while you’re at it?

I must be turning into my father because every time I hear Rap I immediately want to blame the Communists.

I remember the first “rock” album that I brought home as a kid. It was the “The Monkees.”

My dad snapped.

“Long Haired Hippie Communists are not going to brainwash my kids. Those guys are on the marijuana and you kids are not going to listen to these drug-smoking Communists. People are starving in Vietnam and you spent your money on this crap?”

No father.

I spent YOUR money on this crap.

That’s’ what I wanted to say.

You should have seen him the first time I came home wearing a Jimi Hendrix tee shirt. I think he thought I was on the marijuana.

I’m a product of the 60’s and early 70’s. I say early 70’s because after Jimi Hendrix died music went to hell and Satan’s name was Disco.

I’ve tried to forget those years. They really traumatized me.

My girlfriend (now my wife) made me buy “Angel Flight” pants, “Quiana” shirts and platform shoes, lime green and sky blue leisure suits and Gold chains that ripped the hair out my chest.

Angel flight pants were skin tight and came with one pocket... In the front. It was big enough to hold a condom and a key and that was it. If you moved to suddenly you would crush your testicles, which pretty much explains the Bee Gees.

“Quiana” shirts were made out of some kind of space age material that melted every time someone with a cigarette walked within six feet of you. You’d get these little cigarette sized melted holes all over you when you went out to the “Disco.”

Platform shoes were designed by women as a plot to get even with us for high heels. You put these on and you looked like a gay Pilgrim.

The gold chain was the topper. It had to be strong enough to hold the two-pound Italian Horn hanging from it. After 1975 I had a permanent bald spot in the shape of that chain on my chest. OoooooH SEXY!!!

I think jail rapes started in the 70’s. You didn’t want a DUI in the 70’s.

I also had a gold wrist chain that had a plate with my name on it so when I got drunk and passed out I could wake up and know who I was. That’s because when you’ve passed out in a lime green leisure suit your first reaction when you come to is to deny your identity.

There were also a lot of Iranians in the 70’s. They never bathed but they sure loved to put on more cologne.

At least you could smell a terrorist coming in those days.

Now we have the Country Western music craze.

I don’t get it.

I think Country Western music was invented so fat chicks would have someone to dance with.

What? You think a skinny hot chick thought of “line dancing”?

I’m waiting for the crossover between Rap and Country Western so I can see a white kid dressed as a black man, sitting on a horse, on a chrome saddle, singing about how he popped a cap in his dog.

Actually the song would probably go like this:

Well you can axe the hood you never was my bitch
You can cap my cream when I am gone
Or you can axe your crew just what a foo I've been
And wak and dis me on my phone

You can axe my arms go back to da farm
Or you can axe my dawgs to hit the floor
Or you can axe my grill and tell da man to chill
They won't be reaching out for you, you ho

Chorus:
But don't axe my heart
My achy breaky heart
I don’t think hommie’d understand
And if you axe my heart
My achy breaky heart
He might trip out and cap da man

Where is Jimi Hendrix when you need him?

36 Comments:

At 4:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

I still have a Quiana shirt!!!!

 
At 4:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I suprised you didn't bash The Village People.

 
At 9:20 PM, Blogger aka_monty said...

For years (when I was but a lass) I thought that Steve Miller was singing "Big ol' Chad and Lionel" and that Jimmy Buffet was searching for his lost jigger saw. Whatever that is. :)

 
At 10:45 PM, Anonymous bocephus said...

Man, that is funny! My dad always thought the Beatles' "Baby you're a rich man" was "Baby you're a race track." Go figure. I defy anyone to say what John Fogerty (C.C.R.) was singing about most of the time.

And BTW, the line is "Wrapped up like a deuce, another runner in the night."

 
At 12:37 PM, Blogger Jenny said...

i used to think it was "wrapped up like a douche another boner in the night."

 
At 9:48 PM, Blogger prying1 said...

The Bee Gees sang "More than a woman" and all I could hear was "Bald headed woman"

How many times did you listen to Louie, Louie trying to catch the swear words?

 
At 11:00 PM, Blogger Mari said...

Paesan,

It's not douche, it's deuce. I thought the same thing until I heard an actual talk show on the radio about this. Okay, I'm glad I stumbled onto your blog, you're hysterical!

Ciao,
Mari (mostly Italian)

 
At 12:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Absolutely freaking hilarious! Until very recently, I thought Elton John was asking Tony Danza to hold him closer. My bad!!!

 
At 5:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tony,

Your best ever!

 
At 12:50 PM, Anonymous Daniel Sale said...

For the longest time, I thought the chorus for Van Halen's "Hot For Teacher" was "I've got it made, got it made, got it made..."

 
At 2:20 PM, Blogger Spyder said...

Hilarious!!! Great post! Brings back so many memories.. Yeah, Manfred Mann really screwed up Springsteen's song. Like Mari said, it's deuce,which referred to a $2 bag of heroin. Never did it myself, but knew about it from friends.... Check out this site for missheard lyrics, it's a gas, gas, gas.. http://www.kissthisguy.com/

 
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At 2:45 AM, Blogger Toni said...

Hi, just a quick post as I’m short of time but thought I must congratulate you on your interesting My Chest Has a Bald Spot blog. I’m just finishing of my site baldness and hope that it will eventually be as professional as yours. I’m still coming across typo’s I’ve made – I think my spell checker must be faulty……….lol
Anyway Tony Calabrese, thanks again and see you again when I’m in less of a rush.

 
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At 1:06 PM, Blogger emily from blog articles said...

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Hi Tony Calabrese, you have an interesting blog here. I’ve been researching for my baldness and noticed your My Chest Has a Bald Spot blog so stopped by looking for some new inspiration on baldness. Excellent read, many thanks.

 
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