Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Midget Lion Fighting And Other Boring Stuff

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It was tough coming up with a rant this week. I would start to write about stuff going on in the world and it was just depressing. I think the whole world needs to wear a “Lighten Up Francis” tee shirt. If you haven’t seen the movie “Stripes” you won’t get that.

I think I’ll send that tee shirt to the leader of every nation on the planet. I’ll also send one to every right wing nut job religious fundamentalist and every liberal left wing environmentalist kook.

I am sure that I may offend someone with the following comment but I’m afraid it must be said.

God may be many things, but he is not a midget.

I refer to the following BBC article, “Lion Mutilates 42 Midgets in Cambodian Ring-Fight.”

If this is true, God is not Cambodian either.

It seems the Cambodian Midget Fighting League, or CMFL for short, was pitted against an African Lion. In just twelve minutes twenty-eight midgets were killed and the other fourteen badly injured.

Hey the BBC printed it so it must be true right?

There isn’t a lot of good or funny news in the world. But you have to admit the Cambodian Midget Fighting League being killed by a lion would be at the top in any week.

So let’s look at the world today.

Iraq is a mess with Muslim suicide bombers killing other Muslims. According to the “Koran” that’s okay as long as they take a few infidels with them.

One has to think, “Well eventually they’ll run out of people taking Zoloft or Prozac or run out of Muslims and this will all end.”

There just isn’t a whole lot of funny there. That’s because there are no good Muslim comics. Every joke is, “Two Jews walked into a bar, so I blew myself up.”

I love that joke.

There was also a report that the relationship between The United States and Syria was being strained over the issues in Iraq. Boy that’s a shame; we’d always been so close to the Syrians.

There’s a whole lot of other negative stuff as well. I think I heard a report about Laura Bush and the Egyptians, at least I think that’s the name of her new band, playing a gig in Cairo.

In Austria they are starting a Doggie Doo Doo DNA registry.

Apparently they have a different kind of terrorist threat in Austria.

Nationally…

Um…

Where do I start with this one?

It seems that convicted sex offenders and rapists have been allowed to receive Medicaid-reimbursed Viagra. That’s right the taxpayers are footing the bill. Personally I have no problem with them receiving free Viagra as long as it’s encased in lead on the tip of a bullet. I can cure all sex offenders for as little as .87 cents a piece.

Don’t tell me Capital Punishment doesn’t work.

It definitely works.

There is never a repeat offender.

Ever.

What doesn’t work is waiting twenty years to whack em. “Whack” is an Italian term that means, “Hey…Its just bizeeness.”

Actually if they gave all sex offenders and rapists an overdose of Viagra while they were in a jail cell with nothing but other sex offenders and rapists I’d be okay with that.

Wait 24 hours. Then “whack” em.

The Atheists got together in San Francisco for an “All Atheist Weekend.” A spokesperson for the Atheists said, “We are here to counter the rise of fundamentalism in the U.S. and the blurring of lines between church and state. If people don’t like it, they can go to hell.”

I personally think people should be free to worship anyone or anything they want.

Except midgets.

Cambodian midgets.

I think there is no place for Cambodian midget worshiping in our government. There should always be a separation of midget and state. Our four fathers wrote about this in the Constellation or whatever they’re trying to teach to our youth today.

Yes I know I picked on midgets and Muslims. My apologies to the midgets. I’ll pick on Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus and any other intolerant religious nut jobs.

Remember, Guns don’t kill people, assholes like this do. This is why are forefathers wanted separation of church and state. This is what they were really worried about, not nipples popping out at half time shows.

In the local news here in San Diego everyone in government will eventually be convicted of everything and sentenced to community service at Dirty Dans or Pure Platinum.

Donna Frye will be our next mayor and every landlord in San Diego will move to Iraq.

In sports the NHL season is still cancelled, and still... no one cares.

There is a rumor however that the Cambodian Midget Hockey Team is willing to challenge any one NHL player.

One quick note.

I bought a pair of scissors that can cut a penny; it’s from Cutco Cutlery, one pair of scissors to rule them all.

I don’t really need a pair of scissors that can cut a penny. Penny cutting is not really a hobby of mine. But you never know when a piece of a penny will come in handy. If you don’t have a $199 pair of scissors you’ll be out of luck.

I’d like to thank my Cutco Cutlery representative, Achmed Mohammed Bin Laden, for pointing that out to me as he wanders throughout my neighborhood with a briefcase full of knives.

And you think I made that last part up…

He shows up on a bike.

I think he's spreading “his” word.

8 Comments:

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