Monday, May 02, 2005

Good Cheese Comes From Happy Fish

Have you ever had one of those moments where you thought you heard someone say something but they couldn’t possibly have said what you heard?

I turn on the local morning news and before I really focus in on what the topic is I hear a woman say, “We’re here to help people get over their fear of cheese.”

“Fear of cheese?”

I turned up the sound.

Here was the Asian female co-anchor lady and a woman with a German accent talking about CHEESE!

The look on the face of the Asian female co-anchor lady was, “I went to the University of Phoenix to get my degree in journalism and now I’m reporting on cheese?”

Apparently we have a store in San Diego that sells 127 varieties of cheese. Who knew? Well it is California and good cheese comes from happy cows. That’s what they tell us.

The German woman made the Asian female co-anchor lady taste the cheese. Not one cheese but many cheeses. She was getting many cheeses cheese breath on the local morning news.

The Asian female co-anchor lady gives a painful grimace and says, “This is wonderful, back to you Bill.”

Token white male co-anchor Bill has this, “Don’t make me share the microphone with her look on his face.”

He is standing with a chef. Apparently the news is light this morning.

The chef is sautéing some type of fish. When it’s done it looks pretty. These foo foo chefs always make their dishes look pretty. That’s because there is hardly any food on the plate.

So they have a cheesy fishy smell in the studio.

At this point the “has been news anchor turned weatherman” walks up and takes a bite of fish. In the other hand he’s holding cheese. He mumbles something about San Diego weather.

Let me guess? …..sunny.

Back to the Asian female co-anchor lady who is now sitting at the anchor desk and has this shocked look on her face as she reads the next news story.

It seems a scuba diver used a spear gun to kill a giant black sea bass, a protected species, in a marine preserve off the coast of San Diego.

(You have to be felony stupid to kill a black sea bass in a marine preserve and then drag the carcass on to your boat while you are still “in” the marine preserve. What you should do is lure the giant black sea bass out of the marine preserve and then spear him.)

The Asian female co-anchor lady then goes, “live” to the scene or to whatever beach they sent the Hispanic wanna be anchor boy.

He’s interviewing a guy dressed in a wet suit.

"He makes us look like a bunch of idiots," said Gus Zanini, who scuba dives and free dives without oxygen tanks.

(Ummm… Yeah… No oxygen tanks…. Uh huh… Yeah I can see where the looking like idiots thing might come in. The same guys that are out there spearing “White Sea Bass” have a problem with spearing “Black Sea Bass.” Sounds like reverse discrimination to me.)

Hispanic wanna be anchor boy follows with, “Omid Adhami, who authorities say killed the giant black sea bass, was arrested after city lifeguards watched him and two male companions pull the 171-pound fish into their boat.”

(We had three Arabs in scuba gear swimming around off the coast of San Diego, the largest Navy Base on the west coast, and our crack news team is worried about a fish?)

Back to Hispanic wanna be anchor boy, “Adhami may be cited for poaching and fishing in an underwater preserve, the minimum fine for each violation is $680; and a year in jail.”

(So basically he’s paying $3.97 a pound for sea bass. I think that’s wrong. I pay $7.99 a pound for Sea Bass at Point Loma Sea Foods. Why should he be fined wholesale prices?)

Token white male co-anchor Bill chimes in, “Do they have any idea why he speared the fish?”

Hispanic wanna be anchor boy says, “The Game Warden said Adhami contends that he saw a dark figure coming toward him menacingly and that he fired his spear gun in self defense.”

(Who did he think was down there? O.J. Simpson?)

The wet suit guy says, “Experienced divers know that giant sea bass are neither aggressive nor afraid of humans. Nobody could ever get the impression that this gentle creature is the least bit threatening, I've petted 600-pounders."

(“You petted a fish? A fish? I don’t pet your bean sprouts. Keep your hands off of my dinner.”)

Asian female co-anchor lady has to give her two cents worth, "I would imagine that hunting a giant black sea bass would be as challenging as shooting a dairy cow.”

(How would she know? Has she ever stalked a California dairy cow in the middle of the night? They can be quite aggressive. They’re all not the happy cows they advertise on TV you know. Maybe some cheese comes from cows that are depressed or suicidal. Have you ever smelled Limburger cheese? That cow had issues.

”Having a giant sea bass swim up to you underwater is a bit like having a Volkswagen Beetle pull up to you. They're big, and they're immensely gentle, slow and curious," said wetsuit guy.

(A big, gentle, slow and curious Volkswagen Beetle? It’s a FISH not Herbie the Love Bug!!!)

Hispanic wanna be anchor boy finishes his report with, “After nearly vanishing by the 1970s due to overfishing, more and more giant black sea bass are now being spotted by divers.”

(How do they know that more and more divers are spotting them? Is there a giant black sea bass hot line? So it’s okay to kill and eat them 30 years ago but now it’s just wrong. NO! It’s still just DINNER!!!

“Back to you Bill and Asian female co-anchor lady.”

When they cut back to the studio all of the seafood dishes had been removed from the table. The chef is gone. In their place….cheese.

This speared black sea bass turned into a huge deal this last week. Personally I think there is a fine line between fish and food. It’s actually 80lb test monofilament with a baited treble hook on the end.

They say this black sea bass was only fifty years old, which means this fish was way tenderer than a fish that was say, sixty years old.

One person complained in a “Letter to the Editor”, that “black sea bass can live to be one hundred years old”, you wouldn’t spear your grandfather would you?”

I would if he was wearing a Speedo.

There was another “Letter to the Editor” this week that said and I quote, “I first met “Blackie” in the summer of 1957. He seemed attracted to me, curious about me, and accompanied me whenever I swam there, looking me in the eyes, nuzzling me, etc.”

Helloooooo??? Knock Knock???

What gay animal nightclub was this guy scuba diving in?

They said they were taking “Blackies” body to the Scripps Ocean Institute for research. Maybe he’s a fish organ donor. That’s the kind of black sea bass that “Blackie” was, always thinking of the other fish.

My hunch is they’re circulating a flyer for the big cook out up at Scripps.

I honestly hope and pray that “Blackie” has gone to a better place…marinated in Italian dressing and served hot, right off the grill.

Maybe if we had the Minutemen guarding the marine preserve we wouldn’t have this problem, but then again we wouldn’t have fish tacos.


At 11:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I usually have my giant black sea bass with a side of porpoise or baby seal.

At 9:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cheese, black sea bass and news casters? Dude, what's next?

At 1:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love Bill and Maryann!!!

At 6:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not as good as last week but very funny.

At 3:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I prefer Black Sea Bass Sushi style.

At 9:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

They are not Arabs....get your facts straight and then go take a mutlicultural class to make you a little less ignorant.

At 7:55 PM, Blogger Quit Smoking said...

Hello fellow fisherman,

Did you know that 16% of the U.S. population goes fishing at least 16 days a year?

Did you also know that over 75% of the nations fishermen do not fish during "prime time"; fish feeding hours?

Those precious few moments before twilight can be absolutely magical. Even up until 11pm at night, the largest predators of any species feed ravenously.

Don't believe me? Check out Daniel Eggertsen's story, and a picture of a couple of his catches here : "Evening Secrets plus more"

I want you to do me a favor and try it out so I can see what you think of it, and if it works for you as well as it did for me.

You will be one of the first to try it out.

Gone Fishin',


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At 9:58 PM, Blogger Erik Mann said...

Hi - You have a great blog. I have a webpage about self defense training I'd like you to visit. Here's the link

At 4:11 AM, Blogger Publisher said...

Great blog. Found your blog while searching for more information at yahoo about Good Cheese Comes From Happy Fish . Your blog has quite a lot of interesting thoughts. Keep up the good work, Tony Calabrese.

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