Saturday, April 02, 2005

Intelligence? Immigration? How about a new song?

This past week the Bush Commission on “Intelligence” (there is soooo much more I could say about that) found that America’s spy agencies were “dead wrong” in most of their judgments about Saddam Hussein’s weapons of mass destruction capabilities.

It said, and I quote, “Analysts must be pushed to explain what they don’t know.”

So let me get this straight. You want them to tell us why they don’t know what they don’t know?

Uh huh…

So if you don’t know what you don’t know, and someone is “pushing” you to come up with what you don’t know, isn’t there going to be a tendency to, oh I don’t know, MAKE SOMETHING UP???


So the original conversation must have gone something like this:

“Find out where the Iraqis are hiding their weapons of mass destruction.”

“But we don’t know if Iraq even has weapons of mass destruction.”

“Oh they have them.” (Yeah and they have Made in the USA stamped on them)

“How do we know they have them?

“Because we know that we need to know what we don’t know. Now you need to know what we don’t know so we can prove to the world that we know what they don’t know.”

Where is Dr. Strangelove when we need him?

This is insane, but not unusual. After all I live in a state that has a border checkpoint 45 MILES FROM THE FLIPPING BORDER!!!!!!!

Oh if you haven’t been there it’s a real treat. Close your eyes and picture this in your mind. Umm… you might want to read this first and then close your eyes. (The Democrats have already closed their eyes and have no idea what to do now.)

The “border patrol” agent stands in the middle of the freeway with his arms above his head like a football referee signaling for a touchdown and waves cars through. He wears his cool cowboy hat and reflector sunglasses whether it is day or night. With their x-ray vision they are able to spot illegal aliens hidden in the trunks of vehicles.

Well that has to be it. We know they don’t racially profile anyone. That would be wrong. The ACLU would not allow that to happen.

Wait there’s more.

It’s not operating all the time. At certain times of the day you can drive right through and no one is there.

Not a soul.


No tengo immagracion. (whatever)

The reason they do this is to throw off the illegal alien that’s trying to sneak by. You see he would never understand that when the traffic is backed up for miles the checkpoint is operating.

Pretty crafty huh?

Wait there’s even more.

Just after the checkpoint is a NUCLEAR POWER PLANT!!!!!! A NUCLEAR POWER PLANT!!!!! They have a checkpoint that isn’t operating all the time next to a NUCLEAR POWER PLANT!!!!


What is the point of this? Maybe it’s just me but shouldn’t we be stopping illegal aliens at the BORDER?

Maybe we should but another article in the paper said that the tightening of homeland security since 2001 hasn't stemmed undocumented immigration into the United States, with a “report” released showing the number of illegal immigrants growing by about 485,000 people a year.

An analysis of government data by the Pew Hispanic Center, (Pew…Jose Pew?) a private research group in Washington, showed an estimated 10.3 million undocumented immigrants living in the United States last year, an increase of about 23 percent from 8.4 million in 2000.

The Pew Hispanic Center knows that there are10.3 million undocumented aliens living in the United States but the border patrol can’t find them. Uh huh…..

I love that word, “undocumented”, that’s the politically correct term for illegal. They are here ILLEGALLY. They are ILLEGAL aliens.

Maybe that’s why the liberals want them to have a driver’s license then they could be “documented” aliens or, as I like to call them “documented illegal aliens”.

The liberals say we need to give them driver’s licenses so that the illegal aliens can get car insurance. We wouldn’t want an “uninsured undocumented illegal alien”, or “UUIA’s” for short..

I’ve actually written a song about them.

“A UaU I A whoa baby me gotta go, ya ya ya ya ya ya, A UaU I A whoa baby me gotta go. A fine little job it waits for me. I drive the car with no ID. I drove the car all alone. I never think I'll make it home. A UaU I A whoa baby me gotta go, ya ya ya ya ya ya……..

One more tune to stick in your heads for the rest of the day.

10.3 million People that can’t be found? One out of every 30 people in this country is here illegally? And we can’t find them. 10.3 million……

That doesn’t even count the Canadians that sneak across the border every day to buy more expensive drugs.


If you've "documented" the fact that there are 10.3 million illegal aliens, doesn't that make them "documented"? What the hell does "documented" mean -- that they have a Costco Card?

I rather give them a Costco Card than a driver’s license. Hell, they’re in Costco every Saturday with their entire families eating free samples for dinner anyway.

C’mon we’ve all done it.

Someone counted 10.3 million illegal aliens. Well, why the hell didn't they grab them when they were counting them? "Jose, you're number eight million and three. Now get in the van. If you don't have a Costco Card, you gotta get in the van."

Who counted these people? I never saw anyone out there counting them. Did you?

Hmmm….How do they know that there are 485,000 more illegal immigrants coming to the U.S. each year?



Because someone in the government is either paying them or pushing them to explain what they don’t know!!!!!

Here's how you know there are too many illegal aliens coming here, when the ones who are already here are complaining about it.

I’m not making this up.

In another article in the paper they quote an illegal alien (apparently the San Diego Union can find them as well) who is upset that there are too many illegal aliens coming over and it’s forcing the low paying jobs even lower. “When I got here there were maybe 10 of us trying to get the same job now there are a 100”.

100 illegal aliens all together fighting for one job and no one sees them?

I have the solution to this problem.

Have the Border Patrol hire documented illegal aliens to find undocumented illegal aliens.

They could start at Costco.

If you’re still looking for something funny, or if you’re an ultra right wing fundamentalist, or an ultra left wing liberal, you might want to stop reading now.

The argument over illegal immigration never addresses the real problem or tells the real truth.

Don’t get me wrong I have no problem with the following statement because the strong have been conquering the weak since time began. The fact remains that unless your name ends in “Running Feather” you’re an immigrant or a descendant of immigrants that came here “illegally.”

Our forefathers came here and people still come here for one reason, hope.

You cannot create a terrorist if a man has food to eat, someone to love, a job or sense of purpose and the freedom to make the choices to help him attain those things. It’s when the hope of a better life is taken away that death becomes the better alternative.

The last time I checked there were no Latin Americans strapping on explosives and blowing themselves or anyone else up. Instead you have people that risk death crossing rivers and deserts in the hope of finding a better life.

In case we forget they come here “illegally” to find “work”.

The ultra right wing would have us build a wall across our borders because they believe that the majority are criminals.

10.3 million? Please.

The Ultra left would ”give” them drivers licenses, free medical care, free housing, free education and food stamps.

Do not give away America because then it has no value. Look to our own failed welfare program to see what hope that has created.

When will those of us in the middle, the party of Common Sense, step up and find a way to use this valuable resource. When do we step up and remind all of our countrymen and women that this country was built by illegal immigrants who “worked” hard to survive and prosper.

What should we do? Start by protecting our borders from the real terrorists. In case you haven’t noticed at this time that would be Muslim fundamentalist fanatics.

Instead of wasting billions of dollars on fighting to stop their undocumented immigrants, work with Mexico and other Latin American countries to create projects and programs that put these people to work. I’m only half joking when I say hire them as border patrol agents.

I don't have the answer but there are people way smarter than me that could.

I remember something my father once said, “I never hire a man who asks for a job. But I always find a place for someone who wants to work.”

I leave you with these words and apologize for the political nature of this rant this week. Some of you know where they come from. The rest of you should.

"Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"


At 10:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You hit the nail on the head with your rant this week. You should be on television.

At 10:11 AM, Anonymous Emperor Maximillan III said...


At 3:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

How flippin' long was this one, Tony?!

At 4:25 PM, Anonymous EastCoastMafia said...

Better and better every week!!

At 4:27 PM, Anonymous Dan The Man said...

I don't care how long they are keep them coming.

At 7:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love portly Italians.

At 9:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You should be on Leno. Very Funny and right on.

At 9:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ha Ha Ha! We go to COSTCO every Saturday for the samples.

At 8:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You piss me off sometimes I have to admit you're funny.

At 1:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tony how in the hell do you come up with this stuff? Very funny but can you keep it to the length of a small novel?

At 8:55 PM, Anonymous ustvman said...

The counting of "illegal/undocumented" aliens in the U.S. must be the same method used by the ATF for counting illegal handguns for the DHS. Huh?

At 9:33 PM, Anonymous Renegade said...

As long as those illegal hand guns don't get into the hands of the illegal aliens we'll be okay.

At 9:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was hilarious. I am lucky to have these forwarded to me. Glad to see California is as realistic as Mass. Keep em comin.

At 9:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

How do we keep the Canadians out?

At 6:37 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Best one yet Tone!

At 9:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

When are you going to post this weeks rant?

At 7:08 AM, Blogger Liam said...


For what it's worth, we've got one, too. In the middle of friggin' nowhere VT, about 100 miles from the nearest international border, there's a Border Patrol checkpoint, and has been more often than not for the last 3 years or so.

But it gets better: They're about to build a permanent structure for them. An actual customs tollbooth-style checkpoint.

If you want to read what I wrote about it in February of 2002, try


At 7:11 AM, Blogger Liam said...

(Oh, I should point out, although it's got a few jokes in it, it's on the rants blog, not the humor blog, so it's probably not anywhere near as funny as yours. Couple of jokes, that's about it.)


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