Sunday, April 10, 2005

Did the Pope shop at COSTCO?

Warning. This is a long one.

I want to take a second to thank those of you that actually read my drivel each week for your comments and e-mails. Now if I could just figure out a way to make money from this without having to include E-Bay or pornography I’d have it made.

For the person that e-mailed me to let me know that I don’t use my punctuation correctly I want to say thank you. If you’ve read my rants and the only thing you can think of is that I don’t put my periods, commas or apostrophe’s in the right place well you can go ;*/”$)?! (Ooooh, look, punctuation!)

Shall we begin?

“I have seen the stupid and it is us.”

I’m having a tee shirt made with that quote because I have seen and heard some serious stupid this week.

My week started with me seeing a motorcycle gang. At least I think it was a gang. There were ten or twelve very old fat guys all on “Honda” motorcycles wearing black helmets in the parking lot at Burger King. I don’t know how tough they were because only one of them was wearing the required replica 1942 German Heer Helmet. He must have been the leader.

When I say fat, I mean rotund fat, not just large fat. If you’re old and rotund fat you shouldn’t be wearing black leather chaps and a helmet. And for the love of God why Honda’s? At least a Harley could support the weight. I swear it looked like Santa Claus wanted to kick some ass but couldn’t afford to buy American.

I was actually mesmerized by the sight of this. Didn’t these guys look in the mirror before they left the rest home? If they did, what the hell were they thinking? Has Depends come out with an Easy Rider model?

Please tell me there’s not a rival gang. There’s always a rival gang. These guys just can’t have a rival gang. What do they do? Form up in fast food restaurant parking lots and have a “mumble”? It would look like a scene from Westside Hospital Story, The Swollen Prostates versus The Bad Hips.

Part of me wanted to roll down the window and sing YMCA to them but this is one group you don’t want following you home.

Have you ever seen something so over the top stupid that you can’t stop looking at it? Ta da! This was it.

I have to get those guys one of my new tee shirts.

Stupid thing number two. I’m listening to satellite radio in my car, XM150, the comedy channel. You can only hear XM150 if you have satellite radio. So someone please tell me, why are they ADVERTISING SATELLITE RADIO ON SATELLITE RADIO?
The best part is they advertise satellite radio as radio, “with no crap.” Helloooooo!!!!!

Stupid thing number three. Every so often I get an e-mail from COSTCO letting me know of store specials. Um……COSTCO sells caskets and urns. CASKETS AND URNS!!! WHO BUYS A CASKET FROM COSTCO??? Grandpa’s dead kids let’s go to COSTCO. It’s Saturday, you know how Grandpa loved the free samples.

HOW BIG IS THIS CASKET??? WHAT ARE THEY BURYING IN THERE, MOTORCYCLE GANGS??? Has the obesity problem in America gotten so bad we need to buy caskets and urns from COSTCO?

What section of COSTCO has the caskets and urns? My guess is they are near the frozen food section, but I could be wrong.

Please make a note of this. When I die I want to be buried in a casket from COSTCO. Just me and 400 pounds of COSTCO chocolate chip cookies.

We also found out this week that a 43-year-old man wielding a samurai sword (he probably bought it from the home shopping network for $3.00) attacked a group of people in a protestant church because “God” told him too.

How come God never tells anyone to buy a pony? Better yet why doesn’t God tell these nut jobs to kill themselves first?

Here’s my favorite. I overheard a group of women talking about the death of the pope and one of them made the following comment, “ I really could relate to this pope, the way he reached out to the youth and brought people together. Especially with all the pressure he had as head of the United Nations.”

The Secretary General of the United Nations is the POPE???

Picture me banging my head against the wall at this point. I don’t even know how to respond to that. What do you say?

I couldn’t figure out what was worse, that someone would say that, or that the other women just kept listening and nodding in agreement.

One of them saw the look on my face and asked me what I thought about the pope.

“He looked good in hats.”

"Did you know he was in a motorcycle gang?"

"I wonder if the Pope shopped at COSTCO?"

That's all I had.

I wished I had a samurai sword at that point because I would have fallen on it. But not before I took a few of them with me.

So this week’s rant is dedicated to the San Diego City Council, the Mayor, the City Manager, the District Attorney’s Office and the City Attorney and stupid people in general. For those of you not living in San Diego let me describe our city officials like this. Have you ever seen people with children who have turned them loose at Wal-Mart?

That pretty much sums up every level of government here in San Diego. You just want to yell ENOUGH, spank them, and send them to their rooms with no dinner and no TV.

They all need to put their hands behind their backs and not touch anything. That’s what my “father” used to tell us, “Put your hands behind your backs! Don’t touch anything!” and when we didn’t listen, my “mom” spanked us with a wooden spoon. She used to yell at us in Italian while she was spanked us so I got to learn two lessons for the pain of one.

We need a very large wooden spoon here and a very tough Italian mom.

And I don’t want to hear from the whiny liberals that don’t believe in spanking their kids. “We wouldn’t want to hurt Timmy’s self esteem. We would rather calmly reason with Timmy and explain to him why plugging the extension cord in and then putting the other end in his mouth is wrong. Here Timmy have some more Ritalin.”

These are the same people that have their kids walking around with bicycle helmets, elbow and knee pads on and they don’t even own a bike. On the back of the kids helmet will be a little rainbow flag or a PETA sticker.

Spanking your kids is medicinal. Look at me I’m well adjusted.

Spanking cures A.D.D. and prevents electrical shock.

I swear we’re raising a generation of children who are going to end up getting their head flushed down the toilet in the locker room. Come to think of it we're raising an entire generation of children that will flush their own heads down the toilet.

WHOA TONY!!!! Veering off into another direction with this one already. I’m trying to stay focused I really am. Maybe I should have worn a helmet for no reason when I was a kid.

Okay back on track. The fact is we could pretty much go to the border and find the replacement staff for every level of our city government trying to sneak in from Mexico.

The sad part is… we really could.

There is absolutely no excuse for the ineptitude of the people running this city.

I’m going to type a few sentences and words and then after reading these I want you to think of the first city that comes to you mind?

The Mafia, bribes, strippers, FBI investigations, subpoenas, pension fraud, councilman’s untimely sudden death, wiretaps, labor union pressure, Enron by the Sea, bankruptcy, accounting irregularities, the cross can stay, the cross must go, the cross can stay, the cross must go, a write in candidate that looks like a crack whore, no money for pot holes, or is that no money for pot?, public fees raised, out dated fire equipment, library hours cut, lets build a library, massive traffic jams, let’s expand the trolley, lesbian DA riles City Attorney.

So how many of you picked San Diego?

If those words are being used to describe anything that is going on in your city, or about your city, or your city government, someone needs to go to prison or to be tarred and feathered and thrown out of office.

We are a national joke. And that is saying something.

I want to give just a taste of one of the more intellectual comments that came out of our mayor’s mouth this past year: "I myself was a Cub Scout for three years. I myself was a Boy Scout for three years. I was a senior patrol leader. I was a member of the Order of the Arrow. I was a Star Scout ... and I was a champion snipe hunter in my youth.

There are some good reasons to be mayor. “Snipe Hunter?” Maybe that explains why they can’t find the accounting irregularities.

That’s okay it gets better. Here is a brief blurb from one of our city councilmen who is under investigation for taking bribes to allow strippers to…. hell I don’t know, to do whatever strippers do. (Okay I admit it. I know.)

“I take a very unique approach to my religious faith in that my wife and I do it quietly. We go to St. Joseph's Cathedral here in downtown, 5:15 or 6:30 Mass every Sunday, and we do it quietly, we do it privately, and we try not to impose our religious beliefs on others. I think that is the American way."

And you are telling us all this quietly, the same way you take bribes from strippers quietly.

You do it quietly? You do it privately? Is that why you’re telling us in a “press conference” exactly where and when you go to church? Moron. How do you get there? The little yellow bus?

“We try not to impose our religious beliefs on others. I think that is the American way."

Which America are you looking at? Is it the one with or without right wing fundamentalist Christian fanatics?

I’d feel more comfortable if we had the strippers in office.

And last but not least here’s a quote from a city councilman that stepped down and then ran again after another city councilman, who was 38 years old and under investigation by the FBI for bribery and alleged dealings with people connected to the Mafia, dropped dead for no apparent reason. Um…that happens a lot when you deal with anyone connected to the Mafia. (If the mafia actually exists)

"It's two different frequencies on the same radio. One is AM and one is FM. You've got one line going down the dial and one knob that turns that line. And as long as that radio's on FM, you can turn it back and forth, but you will only get FM; you will not get AM on that station. Those are the frequencies that we're on in America and you need to stop trying to get us on the same frequency because it has two frequencies.”

And this guys vote counts just as much as yours and mine.

Abraham Lincoln said in the last line of the Gettysburg Address, “that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.”

I guess that depends on who the people are.

Because it sure has perished from San Diego.

Government of the people?

By the people?

For the people?

Um…

These are not my people.

I wouldn’t let my kids play with them.

I wouldn’t invite these people to my house.

I don’t want my phone tapped.

I’m Italian.

We have a thing about that.

23 Comments:

At 10:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've seen that gang!!!!

 
At 6:23 AM, Anonymous Renegade said...

I think the Pope shopped at Vati-Mart.

 
At 8:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You hit another home run. These rants are hilarious.

 
At 10:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tony, I know you can afford therapy, JUST GO!!!!!!!!, sometimes it helps.

 
At 10:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think I saw Mayor Murphy in that Motorcycle gang.

 
At 12:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is your best yet! BTW- I would not be caught in public with you. It's not safe.

 
At 1:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What kind of a mind thinks of the Pope, Costco, caskets, motorcycle gangs and politics?

By the way the best line was "How come God never tells anyone to buy a pony?" I'm laughing right now just typing it.

Hilarious! I guess the truth is the funniest stuff.

 
At 6:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're nuts Cal but I till luv ya baby.

 
At 2:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

So when are we going to see you on the Daily Show?

Great Stuff.

 
At 7:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You better be careful or you'll get whacked (oh I mean die unexpectedly) like Charles Lewis.

 
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Good Gawd, Anthony, lad. This is truly delicious matierial. May I steal it? (Sorry if I punctuated correctly... habit, you know)

 
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