Monday, April 25, 2005

The Colon Chronicles, Pretty Colors and the Pope

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So let’s get started.

The Minneapolis Star Tribune reported that two girls were suspended from their high school this week for wearing shirts that said, “I Love My Vagina”. (You can’t make this stuff up)

Apparently they purchased the shirts after they had seen the play “The Vagina Monologues”.

I don’t think wearing these shirts was that big of a deal. Now if the boys were wearing shirts that said, “I love Your Vagina Too” then there would be issues.

Now I can honestly say that I have never heard or seen a talking vagina. Call me a doubting Thomas but quite frankly I find the whole thing difficult to believe.

If there really is a talking vagina then I’m in trouble because I have a hard enough time understanding what’s coming out of my wife’s mouth.

I'm trying to imagine what my wife's vagina would say to me. It would probably be yelling at me for not listening. Then it would hide my keys.

I think it’s probably some kind of trick to drive men nuts. It’s tough enough just living with women now we have to put up with ventriloquism?

I have no intention of seeing this play. And it’s not because I’m some male Chauvinist pig who has no interest in the trials and tribulations of the vagina.

Okay that’s partly it.

But the main reason I don’t want to see this play is it will be boring and I will be expected to pay attention, remember it, and to be prepared to discuss it in depth with my wife.

I don’t think so. I don’t want to get in trouble.

You see there are certain things that a man should never have to talk to his wife about. On this list would be her weight, what she is wearing, how her hair looks, any comments whatsoever about any other women, how her day went and yes… her vagina.

I just think back to my mother and father. There is no way they are having this conversation. You do not want to have a conversation about talking vaginas with Italian accents.

That’s just so wrong on so many levels.

No wonder the Muslim terrorists are trying to kill us.

“Achmed the Americans have talking vaginas.”

“What?”

“They have a play called The Vagina Monologues.”

“Monologues? You mean like Leno and Letterman?”

“What do they say?”

“I’m not sure I think it’s in code. Something about bringing back Disco.”

“Allah be praised!”

I’m going to write my own play called “The Colon Chronicles”.

The Colon Chronicles would discuss the trials and tribulations of the annual physical.

I have to switch gears here or I’m really going to get in trouble.

The United States Department of Agriculture has come out with a new food pyramid. If you’ve seen it you know it breaks down what you are supposed to eat into pretty colors.

Our government likes pretty colors.

The problem is that these are the same as the Department of Homeland Security threat advisory colors.

“Oh no it’s orange today. Should I hide under my desk or eat a banana?”

Do they actually pay someone to come up with this stuff?

I think I should have threat advisory colors at home.

“She’s got the red banner out, time to get a cheeseburger.”

We have a new pope.

A German.

Maybe it‘s just me, but when he’s standing on the balcony, and he finishes giving his blessing, I think we need to make sure that his right arm ends up down at his side.

I’m just not comfortable with the new Pope Mobile being a Panzer.

This pope doesn’t have the best sense of humor when he addresses a crowd. Someone please tell him that those references to Michael the Archangel being head of the Luftwaffe just isn’t funny.

I’m very concerned about the new batch of nuns in Catholic Schools.

“Now pound zose erasers! Pound Zem I say! Vhat? You do not want to pound zose erasers? Vell Timmy, you need to zee Fader Gunter, he haz veys of making you confess.”

Last but not least I don’t think it’s proper for him to greet heads of state with, “Do you want to touch my monkey?”

Yeah…I know…I’m going to hell. I just had to get it out of my system.

By the way a friend of mine who is extremely warped and needs to be kept medicated at all times has a web site called:

“You Had Me At Idiot – Deep thoughts from a shallow mind”

His site address is http://www.paulstoecklein.blogs.com/

His web site isn’t as politically correct as mine.

15 Comments:

At 4:06 PM, Anonymous Chris A said...

I don’t think wearing these shirts was that big of a deal. Now if the boys were wearing shirts that said, “I love Your Vagina Too” then there would be issues.



Come on, isn't that a double standard?

 
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"We" have a new pope? Don't think so. Gotta watch that admission of yours "going to hell anyway". The only route to the Father that I'm aware of is through his son. No mention of any pope in my bible!

 
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