Tuesday, March 08, 2005

It's fourth and goal. Time to buy flowers!

I’ve come to realize that in the game between men and women the real issue isn’t how the game is played, its how the game is scored. As a warning to the ladies that read this rant I will be using a lot of sports analogies.

We men think that different types of activities should yield different points like in football, six points for a touchdown, three for a field goal etc. Women on the other hand believe that no matter what you do it’s only worth one point.

If you send flowers to your wife at work for no reason you think you’ve scored at least six points. Throw in a romantic comment on a nice card, add the extra point. On the way home you’re thinking end zone dance.

You come home and your wife is watching Desperate Housewives. You see Teri Hatcher wearing some skimpy outfit and you, without thinking, blurt out, “Damn, she’s smoking hot!”

You may think you have only lost one point, worst case possibly two, but guess what? You’ve just lost in a rout, you were shut out, at least for that night. You are now………playing catch up.

WHY? Because we’re not even playing the same game. We may be great at football but while we’re playing football they’re playing hockey. So not only are we not scoring correctly but they’ve come to the game with sticks and we’re wearing metal cleats on thin ice.

My brother was telling me how, concerned for her health, he was talking to his wife about the importance of diet and exercise.

(QUICK NOTE - NEVER DISCUSS THIS WITH A WOMAN, EVER!)

My brother pointed out to her that he watches what he eats, exercises regularly and that as a result his weight was the same as it was last year. My sister-in-law replied that “her” weight was the same as last year too.

TIME TO PUNT!!!!!!!

TWO…….. DIFFERENT……... GAMES………..

Trying to determine who is winning the game is a no-brainer. Men, we are always behind. We’re playing catch-up from sunrise to sunset. Remember you’re not trying to get ahead we’re playing for PAR just trying not to be embarrassed. Accept it and life becomes much easier. Fight it and you’ll constantly find yourself playing from the rough, or playing alone. There are no Mulligans in a relationship but “someone” is definitely keeping score.

Now I’ve been married 26 years........in a row.........

I would think that after 20 years I should have tenure. I should have earned a couple of gimme’s over the years. Nooooooooo……. That’s not how it works.

“You think I would have learned by now.”

Needless to say I spend a lot of time warming the bench. I’m more of a DH now. The newly dating or married guys are itching to get in the game. I’m content to lay down a sacrifice bunt or get a pinch single every once in awhile.

Trust me you never want to get caught leaning too far off first.

Think of relationships as a horse race. She’s the jockey. We my friends are the long shot. We have no idea when she’s going to go the whip or why. If we make it all the way to the wire, and we win, we get a cube of sugar and a carrot. If we consistently end up last she’ll send us to the glue factory.

You may have heard the expression, “punch drunk” it means "suffering cerebral injury from many minute brain hemorrhages as a result of repeated head blows received in boxing." After we’ve been in a relationship for a while we men walk around “punch drunk” because we’ve constantly taken blows to our egos and in most cases we probably deserved it.

So we’ve covered football, hockey, golf, baseball, horse racing and boxing. I’ll end with fishing.

There are times in your relationship were you’ll sit around just waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting and waiting. It’s a lot like fishing. You wait and then for a few brief moments you have the thrill of hooking, fighting and hopefully landing that trophy catch. Sometimes the fish won’t take the bait. Other times the fish breaks the line and you look like an idiot, standing all alone, with just a stick……….. in your hand.

But you know what they say, "the worst day fishing is better than the best day working."

I really do write this stuff just for me sometimes.

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