Monday, March 14, 2005

Hagen Don'ts and Diet Hell

I noticed something unnerving today. Most of the tablespoons in my house have these weird twists and dents in them. Some look like they’ve been bent at ridiculous angles under extreme pressure. Others look like someone tried to hammer them into modern art. I was ready to blame this on the maid until I saw my wife attempting to scoop 7-11 Hagen Daz Chocolate Ice Cream with you guessed it, a tablespoon.

I mention that it was Hagen Daz Chocolate Ice Cream from 7-11 because for some reason the ice cream at 7-11 is so hard it can be used as a weapon. Diamonds couldn’t cut through this ice cream. I think they store it in liquid nitrogen; this is seriously cold ice cream.

What I found so interesting watching my wife was that she had no clue how to eat a pint of Hagen Daz. Um…..First of all you don’t “scoop” a pint of Hagen Daz. There is no reason to “scoop” since you don’t need a bowl. We all know that one pint is one serving and as such it comes in it’s own handy dandy carrying case.

The exception to this rule is “hot fudge syrup.” For that you need a bowl. You still don’t “scoop.” You run hot water on the unopened pint so that the ice cream will slip unimpeded into the bowl.

Skinny people are not trained to properly eat a pint of Hagen Daz. It’s sad it really is. 20 seconds in the microwave and you’re good to go. It is pure ice cream perfection with just a hint of “meltage” (that’s my own word) all around the edges. You use a teaspoon not a tablespoon and work your way in from the edge savoring every soft creamy bite.

It’s all about focus.

Nothing else matters.

Be the Hagen Daz.

I’m going to my happy place just thinking about it.

I need to pause for a moment to regain my composure.

Done correctly you can make that pint last a good ten minutes maybe twelve.

Skinny people will actually let an opened pint of ice cream sit in the freezer!!!!!!! MY GOD THERE NEEDS TO BE A LAW!!!!

This really upsets me because I started a new diet. When I see skinny people blaspheme food like this I want to declare a Jihad!!! Jihad is the Islamic word for “DON’T SCREW WITH THE FOOD!!!!!!

Whenever I start a new diet I go through this ritual where in the two weeks leading up to “diet start date” I try to eat all of my favorite foods that I will “never be able to eat again.” I actually bulk up to lose weight.

Don’t knock this strategy until you’ve tried it. First of all those two weeks are the most satisfying two weeks of your life. It’s a wonderful carefree time. It’s like being six again. Nothing matters. At times you feel like Julie Andrews at the beginning of the Sound of Music singing and running (well not running) through the grass at the top of the mountain. “The hills are alive with the sound of Nachos.”

Then the diet comes like the Nazis and ruins it.

Have you ever noticed how many ads for food are on TV? You sure do when you’re on a diet. I swear I’m going to kill a small woodland creature if I see that Quiznos sandwich dipped in Au Jus sauce one more time. Hell, Olive Garden is actually starting to look good to me and this is only my third diet day. (My father just rolled over in his grave)

And there are streets I cannot drive down when I’m on a diet. Midway Dr. is the street of diet death!!!! Subway, Pollo Loco, Wings and Things, McDonalds, Arby’s, Taco Bell, Santana’s, Jack in the Box, lions and tigers and bears oh my!!!!!! “Are you a good chef or a bad chef?” I’m losing it now I really am.

Maybe the reason the entire country is obese is because the fast food restaurants are RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO FAMILY FITNESS CENTER!!!!!!! I don’t know about the rest of you but when (okay “if”) I exercise a cheeseburger and a chocolate shake are a great way to FINISH OFF MY WORK OUT!!!!!

There is no where to hide from food! You can't go to the mall because someone in their infinite wisdom created FOOD COURT!!!! That's right a COURT of food!!! There's no judge, no jury just Cinnabuns and Starbucks!

And there needs to be some regulations from the DMV regarding who should be allowed in a Drive Thru. The other day I went to Jack in the Box to get my “last” Breakfast Jack. The “white Ford Bronco” in front of me had two female passengers, neither of whom could speak English, trying to decipher the menu board just before pulling up to the speaker.

The speaker of course was manned by someone who couldn’t speak English either, no surprise there. What was a surprise is that they both obviously spoke Spanish but chose not to USE IT!!!!!!

Have you ever heard a person who uses English as a second language describe to someone the size of a Chicken Bruschetta Ciabatta???? Yes that’s right these two dainty lasses wanted size descriptions of the food!!!! Then I watched in horror as they started to count the change they had between them in order to pay for it.

When they got to the window, realized they didn’t have enough “cash”, and I swear I’m not making this up, paid for their Jack in the Box meal with a Visa Card.

Um……There’s a reason it’s called “fast” food. THAT AIN’T IT!!!!!!

Here is my list of people who are not allowed to use the drive thru.

Anyone too stupid not to know what they want before they pull up to the speaker.
Anyone too stupid not to know what they want before they pull up to the speaker with children in the car.
Anyone with children in the car.
Anyone born before 1935.
Anyone who can’t speak English, Mandarin Chinese, Vietnamese, Tagalog or Spanish.
Anyone who ISN’T IN AN ACTUAL VEHICLE!!!!!!

And one last note. My wife keeps telling me that these diets that I go on are dangerous. She may be right because when I was removing my diet food from the trunk of my car, I forgot to remove my head…from the trunk.

Two and a half hours later I emerged from “Urgent” Care with four stitches to my head and a huge bruise to my ego. Urgent Care is next door to Pollo Loco across the street from Subway and Wings and Things just down the street from McDonalds, Arby’s, Taco Bell, Santana’s and Jack in the Box.

How appropriate…

6 Comments:

At 2:18 PM, Anonymous Yvonne Mellon said...

Tony...love the rant...fyi, I eat ice-cream with a fork...you get to skip the "meltage" step and you can make even little railroad tracks all around the edges, telling yourself ..."I'll just even this out before I put it back"

 
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