Monday, March 28, 2005

Easter, Politics, The FINGER and the Indians.

I have way too many things in my head this week so this rant is kind of all over the place.

Easter has come and gone. Easter, the religious holiday where Christians around the world celebrate the death and resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ by eating marshmallow “Peeps” and hollow chocolate rabbits. Of course in certain parts of “red” states here in America they roast their “Peeps” over a burning book fire.

Now the Halloween and Christmas displays can go up.

This diet is making me a tad edgy.

It was brought to my attention that I talk a lot about food in my weekly rants. That’s because I’m on a diet and I love reminiscing. There are only two things that make me cry, the movie The Godfather and thinking back on all the wonderful food I’ve eaten, especially the veal, oh God the veal, those tender fillets sautéed in butter and wine… I think I’m going to weep. Maybe if they grew diet food in a cage so it couldn't move it would taste better.

Thinking about food helps me forget. It’s like that song, “I simply remember my favorite things and then I don’t feeeeeeeel sooooo bad.” (Half of you will have that song running through your heads for the rest of the day. The other half needs to go out now and rent the Sound of Music.)

Why do I have this image of George Bush and Dick Cheney singing that song with Condaleeza Rice and Donald Rumsfeld leading John Kerry and Ted Kennedy in the backup vocals?

Don’t worry I won’t get political. I’m just convinced that all governments are either led by religious fanatics or space aliens. Don’t get me wrong our religious fanatics and space aliens seem to be a lot better than everyone else's.

My favorite news item this past week was about the woman who found a finger in her chili at Wendy’s. I should mention that this finger wasn’t attached to anyone. It was just a lone well-manicured and well-cooked finger.

I love the fact that the employees at the Wendy’s store were asked to show investigators “their” fingers.

Wendy's official spokesman Joe Desmond said the company was cooperating with the investigation and that all employees’ digits were accounted for. "It's important not to jump to conclusions," he said. "Here at Wendy's we plan to do right by our customers."

Umm…there was a finger…in your chili…. Just what kind of conclusions did you think we were going to jump to? Does Wendy’s think that we think that they think that they can get away with serving fingers in their chili?

Movie moment, “WENDY’S CHILI IS MADE FROM PEOPLE!” Let me know if any of you know can guess the movie I was thinking of.

I’m going to go out on a “limb” here and say there’s an illegal alien working at a food processing plant in Chowchilla they now call “Senorita Izquierda”. (look it up)

How do you get the job of “official” spokesman for Wendy’s? I’m thinking that Joe Desmond is someone who got dragged out of the mailroom because no one else wanted to talk to the press.

Wouldn’t is be nice to have an official spokesman to field all the grief your life?

“As Bob’s official spokesman I’d like to inform you that he is unable to come to work today. Why? I’m afraid we have no comment at this time.”

Wouldn’t an official spokesman come in handy in relationships?

“As your husbands official spokesman I have been authorized to tell you that yes, those jeans do make your ass look fat.”

“As your boyfriends official spokesman I would like to inform you that he is going out with his buddies Saturday night, he will get drunk, go to a strip club and come home at 4:00am with a hooker from Tijuana. Do we have any questions?”

You couldn’t pay that guy enough money.

Speaking of money my wife and I went to an Indian Casino. We went with a group of people on a bus, which is kind of like going out west in a covered wagon only instead of finding gold you end up panning through an all you can eat seafood buffet. (Yeah, I know, food again.)

I find it amusing that people drive out to the boonies, (weren’t there any Indian tribes that had their land in Mission Valley?) down some long winding road of death, to get to an Indian casino so they can be surrounded by Asians, white trash, the elderly, and cigarette smoke.

Apparently the slot machines come with oxygen tanks because all the old people are plugged into them with plastic cords. I guess that’s so they can smoke and breathe at the same time.

They have slot machines you can play for as little as one cent or as much as one hundred dollars. ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS!!!!!!

You have to be a special kind of stupid to be throwing one hundred dollars a pop down a slot machine at an Indian casino. Why not just throw the money in your fireplace and save yourself the drive? Hell at one hundred dollars a pop it would be cheaper to just burn down your house.

I was watching this elderly gentleman play that one hundred dollar machine and he had this look in his eyes like he just wanted to piss off his kids by losing their inheritance. He was plugged into the machine so at least he could breathe.

Tell me why you would drive out to an Indian casino to play a one-cent slot machine? Are you hoping for that big twenty-dollar payout?

It took me a while to decide on which slot machine to play and then I thought to myself, "What would Jesus play?"

I chose the "Wheel of Fortune" dollar slot machines. Fortune was smiling on me and at one point I was actually up seven hundred dollars.

Apparently "fortune" is also very loud because my wife heard me and took all my winnings.

My wife doesn't play the slots.

My wife only bets on a sure thing.

She plays the outlet mall.

23 Comments:

At 7:11 PM, Anonymous ustvman said...

"Wendy's chili is made for people"...sounds like "Soylent Green is People"...one of Chuck Heston's finest...circa 1973.

 
At 9:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very Funny!!!!

 
At 9:14 AM, Blogger EastCoastMafia said...

Your rants are the funniest thing I have ever read!!!

Each one is better than the next. I send it to my whole office.

 
At 3:09 PM, Blogger Der Tommissar said...

Thinking about food helps me forget. It’s like that song, “I simply remember my favorite things and then I don’t feeeeeeeel sooooo bad.” (Half of you will have that song running through your heads for the rest of the day. The other half needs to go out now and rent the Sound of Music.)

You're forgetting that the Sound of Music has to be the scariest movie ever made. What kind of crack-addled hell did they pull that "Puppet Show" scene from? Am I the only person who wakes up with nightmares about those red-cheeked puppet oompah band musicians?

 
At 12:50 PM, Blogger jiri said...

Hey, I have enjoyed...your blog is informative - even entertaining.

I have a halloween sites. They pretty much covers costumes and masks related stuff.

Thanks again and I'll be sure to bookmark you.

 
At 5:37 AM, Blogger Casino online said...

bingo casino gambling online poker Nel nostro sito molte informazioni: bingo casino gambling online poker Una guida ai giocatori online: bingo casino gambling online poker Per i professionisti del gioco e per i nuovi giocatori, visita i siti bingo casino gambling online poker troverai quello che stai cercando, per ulteriori informazioni riguardo bingo casino gambling online poker visita il siti Casino pubblicati in questa guida. Software gratis sia per il download che per il gioco, ma puoi giocare anche con soldi reali. Gioca ora ai migliori casinò online della rete internet con le più alte probabilità di vincita, selezionati e verificati da professionisti del gioco d'azzardo. Scegli il tuo casinò, gioca ora! Provare per credere. bingo casino gambling online poker

 
At 11:44 AM, Blogger Casino online said...

casino online real gambling Nel nostro sito molte informazioni: casino online real gambling Una guida ai giocatori online: casino online real gambling Per i professionisti del gioco e per i nuovi giocatori, visita i siti casino online real gambling troverai quello che stai cercando, per ulteriori informazioni riguardo casino online real gambling visita il siti Casino pubblicati in questa guida. Software gratis sia per il download che per il gioco, ma puoi giocare anche con soldi reali. Gioca ora ai migliori casinò online della rete internet con le più alte probabilità di vincita, selezionati e verificati da professionisti del gioco d'azzardo. Scegli il tuo casinò, gioca ora! Provare per credere. casino online real gambling

 
At 11:52 AM, Blogger Casino online said...

Giocare gratis Casino internet software gratuito! Casino internet

 
At 12:22 PM, Blogger Tonythebest said...

casino niagara resort To play free of charge casino niagara resort Free software. casino niagara resort

 
At 8:04 PM, Blogger Dan said...

Great blog, I also have a casino related site, If you want or need more exposure get casino related traffic by the thousands at **casino traffic** Works for me!

 
At 12:11 PM, Blogger Dan said...

Great blog, I also have a casino related site, If you want or need more exposure get casino traffic by the thousands at **casino traffic** Works for me!

 
At 6:18 PM, Blogger Melanie said...

Dear blogger,

I found your post while looking for info on
href="http://www.normism.org"> quran
while I found your post

to be very interesting, it was not the exact type of info on

href="http://www.normism.org"> quran
. So anyways I thoght I

should drop you a few lines and thank you for the good job that you are

doing, and at the same time spread the good news about this site that

demystifies a lot of concepts like

href="http://www.normism.org"> quran
. The new age prophet

Seyed Bahram Mirkalami while demystifying subjects like

href="http://www.normism.org"> quran
, states that he has

declared heaven on earth with the power invested in him by "God". And

anyone who accepts this declaration will have immortality and peace in

life right away. Here's the link one more time:

href="http://www.normism.org"> quran


God bless all.

 
At 6:19 PM, Blogger Melanie said...

Dear blogger,

I found your post while looking for info on
href="http://www.normism.org"> quran
while I found your post

to be very interesting, it was not the exact type of info on

href="http://www.normism.org"> quran
. So anyways I thoght I

should drop you a few lines and thank you for the good job that you are

doing, and at the same time spread the good news about this site that

demystifies a lot of concepts like

href="http://www.normism.org"> quran
. The new age prophet

Seyed Bahram Mirkalami while demystifying subjects like

href="http://www.normism.org"> quran
, states that he has

declared heaven on earth with the power invested in him by "God". And

anyone who accepts this declaration will have immortality and peace in

life right away. Here's the link one more time:

href="http://www.normism.org"> quran


God bless all.

 
At 6:19 PM, Blogger Melanie said...

Dear blogger,

I found your post while looking for info on
href="http://www.normism.org"> quran
while I found your post

to be very interesting, it was not the exact type of info on

href="http://www.normism.org"> quran
. So anyways I thoght I

should drop you a few lines and thank you for the good job that you are

doing, and at the same time spread the good news about this site that

demystifies a lot of concepts like

href="http://www.normism.org"> quran
. The new age prophet

Seyed Bahram Mirkalami while demystifying subjects like

href="http://www.normism.org"> quran
, states that he has

declared heaven on earth with the power invested in him by "God". And

anyone who accepts this declaration will have immortality and peace in

life right away. Here's the link one more time:

href="http://www.normism.org"> quran


God bless all.

 
At 6:26 PM, Blogger Melanie said...

Dear blogger,

I found your post while looking for info on
href="http://www.normism.org"> quran
while I found your post

to be very interesting, it was not the exact type of info on

href="http://www.normism.org"> quran
. So anyways I thoght I

should drop you a few lines and thank you for the good job that you are

doing, and at the same time spread the good news about this site that

demystifies a lot of concepts like

href="http://www.normism.org"> quran
. The new age prophet

Seyed Bahram Mirkalami while demystifying subjects like

href="http://www.normism.org"> quran
, states that he has

declared heaven on earth with the power invested in him by "God". And

anyone who accepts this declaration will have immortality and peace in

life right away. Here's the link one more time:

href="http://www.normism.org"> quran


God bless all.

 
At 11:09 PM, Blogger job opportunitya said...

Unique blog my friend, I can hardly wait to vist
this site again. I just worship the site its comes
from! Believe me in my extra time I'm consistently
looking up blogs like this.
Look who checking out my free plastic surgery blog?

 
At 2:16 AM, Blogger job opportunitya said...

Incredible blog. I admired your site and I will be
back once again to view it! I use much of my spare
time searching for blogs like yours.
Stop by and look at my picture of plastic surgery gone wrong blog site.

 
At 8:35 PM, Blogger job opportunitya said...

Charming blog. Your site was off the chain and I
will return! When I get the time I look for blog like
this one.
No matter when you are, just stop by and check for my celebrity plastic surgery blog site.

 
At 1:06 PM, Blogger ciscoblog said...

Gambling Commission under the old regulatory regime, applications have progressed to full hearings while the fortitude of these online casinos commissions and licenses are all but operational; some of these are thought to be dormant and others under construction. Concern at the spate of applications and imposed a cut-off date of April next year for submissions under the old legislation.

 
At 2:54 PM, Blogger job opportunitya said...

Creative blog. I just kept looking at it over and
over! Im always looking for blogs like this!
Jump into my picture of plastic surgery gone wrong blog.

 
At 3:57 PM, Blogger Shawn T Lippert said...

Thank you for the informative blog
Here Is some additional
Chocolate Resources for Gourmet chocolate on Valentines day, Easter and Mothers day, if you or your readers are interested.

 
At 12:51 AM, Blogger payroll cash advanced0 said...

Excellent blog. Your site was great and will be
finding it again!  I surf the net for blogs like
yours.
No matter when you are, just stop by and check for my cash advance payday loan blog site.

 
At 7:46 PM, Blogger sweet-ness said...

I took pleasure in the site and I will go back!
Surfing online for blogs like this one is worth my
time. Sensational blog.
Oh please, check for the blog site with my advance cash loan payday union western wired!

 

Post a Comment

<< Home