North Carolina, Walks and the Super Bowl
I need to comment on a very good friend’s decision to move from San Diego to Lenoir, North Carolina. Apparently you can buy a house for three dollars in North Carolina and live quite comfortably. Granted he was able to sell his Encinitas house for the gross annual budget of the country of Togo, and will never have to work again, but for Christ’s sake NORTH CAROLINA? Lenoir, NORTH CAROLINA?
He didn’t even move to a city on the coast of North Carolina. That’s like bragging to your friends that you’re moving California and then going to FRESNO!
He’s all excited because he and his wife were able to buy a historic home. Historic home? That just means it’s old!!!! There’s all sorts of wood in it. Who buys a house today made out of real wood???
I hate to break the news to him but MAYBERRY IS NOT A REAL TOWN!!!!!!!
There’s no Andy no Barney no Aunt Bea!!!!! Floyd the barber didn’t really exist and if he did he’d be on trial with Michael Jackson!!! $50 bucks says the owner of the local 7-11 in Lenoir is from India!!!!
What the hell do you do in Lenoir, North Carolina? Whittle?
He says there’s no traffic, OF COURSE THERE’S NO TRAFFIC, there’s no freeways! Everyone is driving a tractor or a truck that they’ve actually given a name!!!!
His wife is into plants. She can grow all sorts of plants in North Carolina. She can plant things they can eat. Well I can actually “buy” stuff that grew in the ground at Vons and I don’t have to water it, prune it or pick it.
North Carolina is the most boring state in the Union. Their state beverage is, get this, MILK!!!!! Their state animal? A squirrel! Oooooooooh! Do you know what their state motto is? "Esse Quam Videri" it’s Latin for "to be rather than to seem." What the hell does that mean?
They’re called the “Tar Heel” state supposedly because of some Civil War story. Bottom line….the South lost.
Oh well that’s one less person on the road here. Maybe that’s what we should do to get people out of here? Put up billboards that just say, “North Carolina another coastal state with cities like Fresno.” “North Carolina, you can buy 12 houses here, and they’re made of wood.” or “Got Whittle?”
I’m not done.
I’m tired of these walks for something. Aids Walks, Cancer Walks, MS Walks. I get this stuff sent to me all the time. You want me to participate? How about a buffet walk? I don’t need to spend $300 on the right shoes and my walking/jogging outfit for a buffet. A pair of loose sweats and tee shirt and I’m fine. Charge me $50 for a good all you can eat buffet and I’ll write a check to your charity for another $250. Everybody’s happy and the streets are kept open!
I’m not done yet.
The Patriots beat the Eagles in the Super Bowl. So what? Maybe it’s just me but I think it’s more interesting that Paul McCartney had a black star on his shirt right where his right nipple would be in case it unexplainably popped out during his performance.
Now I’m done.