Tuesday, January 11, 2005

The Mafia and the New Year

Maybe I’m being a little sensitive but I was offended today. I had someone tell me today that I looked like I was in the Mafia. First of all there is no such thing as the Mafia. Just legitimate Italian businessmen that have been persecuted by the Federal government.

Why is it that just because I’m Italian and a tad overweight that I’m automatically thought of as being an organized crime figure? So I keep a baseball bat and a hacksaw in the trunk of my car, a lot of people do. Did it dawn on these people that I might be a scoutmaster?

Granted earning a merit badge in the Boy Scouts of Italy is a little different than earning one in the Boy Scouts of America. When we learn how to start a fire we also make sure the building is insured, if you know what I mean.

And not too many people earn their swimming badge…….

When we go on that 30 mile hike, ummmm…. maybe not everyone’s coming back. People have a tendency to get lost in the woods.

Our Scout Motto is, How u Doing? Our Scout Oath is, “On my honor, I swear to God I never said nothing.”

The Boy Scouts of America have their Scout Laws. You know, Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Cheerful, Sneezy, Dopey, Doc…. whatever. Ours are kinda like that but shorter,
“A Scout must……..faggetabout it.”

And all this griping about organized crime doesn’t make much sense to me. What would you rather have? Disorganized crime? At least with the so-called “Mafia” it’s just business. I think we need more organized crime.

You want to rob a liquor store? First you sit down and write a robbery plan. Look at it from all angles, marketing, finance, IT. Maybe you get some investors. Create a spreadsheet that details all the pros and cons. Maximum income potential versus being raped in prison etc. After that’s complete you intern for a couple of years, maybe stealing ketchup from McDonalds. If necessary we outsource our crime to India.

Italians don’t do drive by shootings. We don’t care what color you’re wearing. We don’t flash gang signs. The only sign Italians flash is the sign of the cross.

Remember its just business. Nobody gets whacked for no reason. Dead people have an innate ability not to pay up.

If you know what I mean.

Here’s something else that tics me off!!! What’s the deal with people saying to me, “so I guess I know what your New Years resolution is.”


Is it automatically assumed because I’m a tad overweight that my New Years resolution is to diet? Hasn’t it dawned on you people that I’ve given up?

That’s right I concede. I’m fat okay? FAT! I was fat last month, I was fat last week, I’m fat today and odds are I’m going to be fat next year.

But guess what? When the Tsunami comes I’m gonna be a survivor baby because I float! And I can go six, seven hours without food.

I'll never understand New Years resolutions! Let’s see yesterday I smoked crack, slept with my neighbors wife and ate three Quarter Pounders with cheese for breakfast but today I’m starting over because it’s January 1st. If it was March 7th I’d be dead but this is the new year….blah, blah, blah.

Why do we need a New Year to do the right thing? How about we go with a good minute? That’s right let’s try 60 seconds of living the good life. If we make it for a minute we go for two.

Let’s build up to an hour. Start anytime you want. Every minute you get another chance. That way if you blow your diet you can start it again…….immediately.

I think New Years resolutions were created by Family Fitness Centers as part of some elaborate conspiracy.

And just on a personal note I have never seen a “family” in a Family Fitness Center. I only see a bunch of young skinny people.

Where are their parents? Where do they keep them? Where’s the secret room with all the old fat people?

Yes I have been in a Family Fitness Center. I’m a member. I’ve been a member for seven years. I have $15 per month coming out of my checking account to prove it.

I pay that fee so when someone tells me I should be exercising I can just flash them my Family Fitness membership card.

Family Fitness Center has actually asked me to stop doing that. It’s bad for business.

I told them to just claim I’m a before picture.

Yesterday someone told me that I didn’t need to diet. What I needed was to change my lifestyle.
I’m sorry but I just can’t be gay……

I can’t pick out clothes, color coordinate or vote for a Democrat.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that…..

Maybe they’ll just come up with a “Queer Eye for the Fat Guy” show.


At 3:15 PM, Blogger St Louis Cardinals BUFF said...

So many blogs and only 10 numbers to rate them. I'll have to give you a 8 because you have good content.

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At 4:13 PM, Blogger matthew said...

wells i give it a 10 cuz im italian so u always bak up fellow italian familes as a sign of respect so im from Sicily so people always ask if im in the mafia cuz what i look like and i tell them its not any of there damn business till they can tell me what mafioso means but they dont understand its not a bunch of freak gang members its based on respect and business and always repent for the bad things u do.

At 4:14 PM, Blogger matthew said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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I'll have to keep that in mind exercise fitness diet

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At 8:41 PM, Blogger All U Need 2 No said...

Ever been to England? I spent 3 weeks this summer in London. There are no fat people. Being fat, it scared me. It is because they walk EVERYWHERE! On my blog I wrote an entry explaining that the British ate all the fat people!

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